


Feel Okay

by KnifeFriend



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Tragedy, Character Death, Death, Drama, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-29
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-03-04 04:13:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2918018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KnifeFriend/pseuds/KnifeFriend
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxas didn’t want to die. He’d think about it though. One shot. Vent writing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feel Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Check out those tags so you don't read this sad thing without prior knowledge.

Roxas didn’t want to die. He’d think about it though. Think about it casual every day situations. When he’d ride up in a glass elevator, watching the distance between the ground expand until it made him sick. When he would watch the pavement blur past when Axel drove 80 miles per hour on the highway. When he’d soak his head under the scalding water in his shower.

He would wonder what would happen if he was just at school and some crazy peer would pull a knife or a gun, plunging the metal of the weapon into his chest until he could taste it in the back of his throat and smell the copper before it could be seen. And he’d ponder how people would react. Would the school be seen as unsafe? How many students would be pulled out or traumatized by seeing his unfortunate murder? Would they make stupid posts on their blogs about their life and how his life, for once, made others excited in an unusual way? 

He didn’t know if it was normal to think about death in a such a casual way. He didn’t want to die. But sometimes he wondered if he was _supposed_ to die? As if he could take back his mistakes and let others benefit from the problems he caused. He hated the idea of people gathering for his funeral though. The idea of his usually stoic father’s expression contorting in agony with his cerulean eyes narrowing just as Roxas’ does. Or his mother muffling her sobs to try to seem strong for Cloud because they both know how easily his father was tempted with an untouchable despair. But he thought sometimes he had more to live for.

He knew he could love, but he felt numb more often. Axel was understanding, patient, although sometimes his temper matched his hair too well. Roxas didn’t blame him. He knew he himself is difficult and its not like he is letting Axel understand his issues. But it enough to just hold his boyfriend’s hand at 3 AM, or walk in crisp air that might trigger his asthma. He did consider breaking up with his so kind, so undeserving, and so loyal boyfriend. When he accidentally told Axel that when he (truly did) by accident took too much medication he wasn’t pleased. But he just held Roxas’ small and fragile body once he was tucked in a hospital bed. Axel wouldn’t leave him even if he wanted, and that thought make him cry until it shook through all his bones and left in a pathetic whimper, that for once in his exhaustive state, made him feel light. 

He knew he was talented. He could fight, and as Hayner would say, “With a grace that makes me envious,” which he doubted, but his medals and trophies for struggling and fencing told him otherwise. He didn’t take pride in any of it though, because he knew that someone was always better. But it made him happy to see his dad watch in the stands. 

He also know there was more than that to live for. He loved the taste of sea-salt ice cream, and the comfortable atmosphere when everyone would hang out at the Usual Spot. They were simple things that made him happy to get up in the morning. He would love the warmth Axel would leave in the blankets after he would get up so he could put on his eyeliner and style his hair. He would watch the sunset that would dust all the building yellows and oranges that would leave such a stark contrast when purple shadows would form around the corners where light couldn’t touch. He loved all those things.

But he didn’t know if he could live for this simple things. They were nice but that was just it—nice. And death also seemed nice. But he wouldn’t kill himself. On purpose. Riku would only hate him more then, and Kairi would probably just stop smiling altogether. Sora would’ve hated him. But he wondered if that mattered, because once he dead he was dead and he wouldn’t think, and regret, and fear, just like Sora can’t anymore. So it’s not like Sora could really hate him. But Roxas liked to think that maybe his brother would. He knew Sora would glare at him with the same eyes, grip his cheeks in his palms and lecture Roxas until he was begging for him to stop with tears of happiness and that sort of somber sweetness that could be compared to nostalgia. 

But that was all just thoughts. Dying was also just a thought. But the guilt wasn’t a thought. The “ _What if_ ”’s, and the “ _Why not me_ ”’s were thoughts, but they weren’t _just_ thoughts. They were fists that wrung their fingers around his neck so he’d fly into a panic and wonder why he can’t breath properly and how badly he just wanted it to stop. Then he’d sob “ _I’m sorry_ ”’s into the night, resisting every nerve that told him to call Axel that would only burden his adored boyfriend his problems that he couldn’t fix. 

Roxas didn’t want any of it to be like this. He didn’t want to think about dying, but he did. He did want to be thrown into paranoia and anxiety that forced him out of social situations. He didn’t want Riku or Kairi to look at him with such a bitter depth, probably because he was the spitting image of Sora. That was why he dyed his hair though. The brown made him want to vomit. Olette said the blond suited him better, and Roxas just smiled. 

Most of all he didn’t want his brother to be gone. 

Sometimes the time apart from his twin felt so recent, as if Roxas could hop out of his bed and go to Sora’s just across the bedroom and feel the warmth of the sheets. Or go into the bathroom and see his brand of hair spray, with his Disney toothbrush and paste sitting on the tile counter. And sometimes it felt so long ago, as if everything was dragging past. So slow that every sad expression was engrained in the conscious of Roxas’ mind. Everything would dangle in front of him, making him wonder how long this week would be this time. It didn’t feel like four years, no matter how many times they celebrated his late brother’s birthday (since it was always his favorite day). 

Eventually, in form of settling, Roxas found himself living for Sora. The small things were benefits that he didn’t believed he deserved, but accepted. He knew Sora would throttle him for not being happy. Sora was a benevolent to everything, nothing was an exception, not even that cricket his brother stepped on when he was twelve that he ended up crying about. He would wonder if this is how Sora would want him to live. Or if Sora wanted him to live at all? Because it was Roxas who pressured him into skateboarding together through the streets. Maybe his brother hated him in his last moments. It wouldn’t surprise him. 

But everyone believed in the positive side of Sora. The compassionate, hardworking, yet ruthlessly honest entity that was Sora. When Roxas won first place in the state championship for Struggling and his mom told him, “ _Sora would be so proud,_ ” he started crying because he _knew_ Sora would’ve been supporting him the whole time. He would’ve planted an annoying kiss on his cheek and hugged him until Roxas would be gasping for air, and probably crying with him too. At times that that he felt so unbelievably happy. It was strange, because at night he believed he was never happy, and he would never be happy. But moments of victory would make those thoughts falter. 

He knew they would never completely falter, and he would never not stop feeling guilt about Sora, but he knew he could be happy. If it wasn’t for himself, it was for Sora, and Roxas also knew Sora wanted every person to be happy for themselves. His brother was cliche and childish, but their attitudes juxtaposed would’ve let each other healthily build from each other. But Roxas knew he would be okay when he’d wake up to Axel pressing his lip thins to his forehead, and his slender fingers brushing through his dyed hair. And when he’d be perspiring in the ring, bat warm, gripped in his hands before he delivered a blow. He’d be okay when his family would come together to celebrate, and finally the table didn’t feel as heavy and empty as it has been, and they would passively talk about Roxas growing up and no one would stumble over Sora’s name, instead they would talk freely because in time they all moved on. 

Although he never felt whole ever again, he grew okay with it. He didn’t know how he would end up, but somewhere as his high school life was coming to end, he realized he’d be okay. He would smile, inhale all the good in his life, tough through the bad, feel sad and angry when he was, feel proud and happy when he was, and, would in the end, feel okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully no one will get angry at me for this fic. I don't know why, but I don't feel like I can ever perceive this sort of depth properly.
> 
> This is a vent fic, another done at 1 AM. I'm just very self indulgent with fics, tbh. Everytime I write fics to be sad, they end up having a slightly uplighting end. I guess I have my muse to thank, to stop me from being totally angry and sad.  
> Kind of inspirated by "If This Cat Could Talk," by Ellipsisthegreat, very minorly though, hah. The idea of Roxas being half of Sora, Sora being dead, Riku and Kairi's feelings towards Roxas, all minor and just inspired by that fic. Not a major connotation, but read that fic. I read it when I was like 11 and I still think about it, pfft. 
> 
> This fic is more or less a reminder to myself, although Roxas' situation isn't close to me at all. Just the thoughts, I guess. 
> 
> Sorry for any grammar and vocabulary mistakes. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
